Introduction to Five Dollar Funnel MLM Compensation Plan
Welcome back to Notebook Crazy, the grouchiest multilevel marketing (MLM) review site in the Midwest. I am Brad, your resident couch potato, and without leaving my couch, I am continuing on what is turning into a very long quest to review every multilevel marketing business opportunity I can find. This blog is one of several business projects in which my business partner the other Brad and I are involved. If you read enough posts on this blog, you will realize that the other Brad and I are lifelong friends, and while we are opposites in many ways, we share an enthusiasm for harmless, meaningful, and productive self-employment and a distaste for the cubicle farm scene.
When we first started this blog, after discussing the then-new movie The Big Short at my brother Bryce’s New Year’s Party, we made a list of all the MLM companies we had heard of and decided to review them in hopes of identifying the MLM companies in which members had the best chance of making money, or at least breaking even. (We came to the conclusion that, if you can make money at MLM, no matter which MLM company you choose, you can probably make money at anything, and your business talents are best applied to another industry, but that is a story for another day.) Most of the MLMs on our original list were nutraceutical MLMs; I attribute this to the fact that the other Brad, who is a serious athlete and has at times worked as a fitness trainer, heard about a lot of these MLMs from people he met at the gym. This is a key difference between the other Brad and me. Protein shakes are a normal part of the other Brad’s diet, whereas I am of the mindset that nutrients that are not on the menu at Oktoberfest are nutrients I can live without.
After we finished our original list, we did research online until we came up with a new list of MLMs we had yet to review. A surprisingly large number of the MLMs on my second list either sell discount travel club memberships or business tools, and the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity, which I am reviewing today, fits into the latter category. The most charitable thing I can think of to say about business tools MLMs is that is never gets boring to read about the lengths to which the proponents of business tools MLMs will go to convince people to buy products that barely exist, if they exist at all, and to pay for advice and software that they can easily find free on the Internet if they are resourceful enough to click a few times and maybe enter the occasional search term.
Early on in my research for this Five Dollar Funnel review, I read descriptions of the Five Dollar Funnel products, which, of course, are business tools designed to help you with the online marketing aspect of your business. One of the Five Dollar Funnel products is one that enables you to produce “hypnotic” web content, and that really got me thinking. From that point on, much of the process that led up to me writing this Five Dollar Funnel review was dedicated to me trying to figure out what hypnotic web content might be and in what context, if ever, it might be desirable.
You see, hypnotic, web content, and I go back a long way. You don’t have to be a partisan of the Oxford comma to notice that “hypnotic” and “web content” are two separate items on that list. (This is probably a good time to mention that the introduction to this Five Dollar Funnel review is the result of a long and fruitful conversation with my other brother Brian, who teaches AP English and who loves to write guest posts on this blog. He is actually a little peeved that I did not let him write this Five Dollar Funnel review, but if you have ever heard how long my brother can run his mouth about the Oxford comma before getting to the point, you would understand my hesitation.) In my life hypnotic and web content have a special relationship, but it is not the kind of relationship that the Five Dollar Funnel website might suggest.
I have been a fan of Pink Floyd since the ‘90s, since before freshman orientation at the college where I eventually dropped out, before my series of low-wage jobs where I met all manner of awesome weirdos who were just too sensible for universities with their enormous price tags, since before the first time the other Brad and I ever went into business together, and long before the fungus coffee episode I would prefer to forget and the New Year’s Party that resulted in this blog. Pink Floyd is certainly not the only band that produced hypnotic music in the 70s, but if you were to describe their compositions, “hypnotic” would be an apt description of many of them. Say what you will about the vocoder-enhanced pig oinks, but the album Animals is hypnotic almost from beginning to end. Heaven knows the other Brad took some cheap shots at the vocoder-enhanced pig oinks in Pink Floyd’s Animals in his first ever guest post on Notebook Crazy, which is a big part of the reason he has yet to write the second post. I would sooner let my brother Brian, channeling his Internet troll persona Guano Island Pete, spend an entire post bellyaching about the Oxford comma than let the other Brad talk smack about my second-favorite Pink Floyd album on my blog again.
But what has any of this to do with web content? Well, I have been writing web content since almost the earliest days of the web. When I was sixteen, one of the first places I ever drove myself was to a Pink Floyd planetarium show, the one and only time my town’s planetarium ever had one. I was by far the most sober person there, because I had to stay sober in order not to lose my newly acquired driving privileges and also because I have never been much of a pothead. (You can read my Healthy Headie review if you want to know more about my few pot smoking experiences, none of which had anything to do with Pink Floyd, oddly enough.) That night, after the planetarium sow, I wrote my first ever blog post on my first ever website, Classic Rock Ragnarok.
To longtime Notebook Crazy readers, that story is old news. My point is that I have written lots of web content since then. I always say that an important part of starting a successful business is to find something you enjoy doing but that other people consider a chore. For me, that is writing. I didn’t get rich through MLM. (All MLM got me is abasement full of fungus sachets, but that is a story for another day.) I bought a house and paid off its mortgage, in large part, by writing web content.
I have written all kinds of web content. My web content is grammatically correct, college dropout though I may be. My web content is witty and engaging. Sometimes my web content is snarky. My web content is replete with Oxford commas (Brian). My web content is well-researched. Although the introduction to this Five Dollar Funnel review is not the best example, my web content is concise. My web content is search engine optimization (SEO) friendly. (Just Google “quadruple crown diamond barf” if you don’t believe me.) One thing my web content is not is hypnotic.
While researching this Five Dollar Funnel review, I actually spent a fair amount of time trying to pin down the definition of “hypnotic.” To make a long story short, I could find no definition of “hypnotic” that would be a desirable quality for web content. Said research required me to read the Wikipedia article about Franz Mesmer, who hypothesized that hypnosis was achieved by the flow of a current of “animal magnetism” in the body. The scientific committee called upon to evaluate Mesmer’s hypothesis included Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, the namesake (but not inventor) of the guillotine, and the man whose mug every MLM hopeful longs to see gazing up at him from a banknote, Ben Franklin himself. They rejected Mesmer’s hypothesis. When I told this to my brother Brian, he told me that, in the 70s, there was a method of foreign language instruction called Suggestopedia, in which part of the lesson involved the students listening to baroque music (it had to be baroque music, no other kind would do), while the teacher intoned phrases in the target language. (Speaking of baroque music, Kit Lambert, the son of a classical conductor, introduced Pete Townshend to the music of Henry Purcell sometime before Townshend composed Tommy, and the next time the “Pinball Wizard” theme plays on the radio, you won’t be able to un-hear the baroque influence, but that is a story for another day. Likewise, the Quadrophenia overture.)
Five Dollar Funnel: The Company and Its Products
The Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity is a business tools MLM, in which your subscription gives you access to training materials and business tools. The Five Dollar Funnel products include a software for making marketing videos, and a direct mailing software. As is the case with so many other business tools MLMs, the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity was about recruiting new Five Dollar Funnel members much more than it was about selling the business tools themselves.
It appears though, that the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity has changed its name. If you search for the Five Dollar Funnel website now, you will be directed to a site called Dream Life Rewards. The site lists Bill Ebert, who is one of the founders of the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity, as the man in charge of Dream Life Rewards. The Dream Life Rewards website consists almost entirely of promises of happiness and personal fulfilment; it hardly gives any financial details or product information at all.
The consensus from the Five Dollar Funnel reviews I read are that the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity was all about recruitment. The recruitment-heavy MLMs are the ones that tend to collapse the most quickly or morph into new MLMs, and it appears that this is what has happened with Five Dollar Funnel.
The Five Dollar Funnel Compensation Plan
I guess it is kind of a moot point, but the good news about the Five Dollar Funnel compensation plan is that it cost only five dollars to get started. The compensation in the Five Dollar Funnel compensation plan is based largest on the recruitment of new Five Dollar Funnel members.
Advantages and Disadvantages
- Whereas it costs the equivalent of a car payment or more to join some MLMs, joining the Five Dollar Funnel business opportunity costs only $5. Your five bucks would be better spent on some nice junk food or a baker’s dozen of Oxford commas’ worth of web content, but at least you can earn that fiver back in less than an hour of work at your cubicle farm job.
- Five Dollar Funnel is quite a catchy name.
- Five Dollar Funnel products are not nutraceuticals.
- Business tools MLMs are not an adequate substitute for actual entrepreneurship.
- I was able to find videos about the Five Dollar Funnel compensation plan online, but no nice, quiet PDF files. I think MLMs should at least have enough respect for their prospective members to publish their compensation plans in a document that we can read and reread at our own pace, possibly with a lawyer, instead of only having to base our decision on the hype that we hear in a video.
- Web content should not be hypnotic.
Business tools MLMs are bad news.
What is the most hypnotic piece of web content you have ever read? Schedule a call with me and let me know.