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Amega MLM Compensation Plan Review


Introduction to Amega MLM Compensation Plan

If you have ever read Notebook Crazy before, or even if you have just clicked through it, it should not surprise you to hear me say how much I love the Midwest.  We have the best food of anywhere in the world, with the possible exception of New Orleans.  But even New Orleans doesn’t have Cincinnati style chili.  New Orleans doesn’t have barbecue like we have.  To my knowledge, New Orleans doesn’t have Vernors.  I don’t even mind the winters when I am safely in my basement doing market research or playing video games, with my back to all the multi-level marketing (MLM) merchandise that has accumulated there over the years.  The only thing I don’t like about the Midwest is unexpected snow storms, especially when they happen during evening rush hour.

I know what you’re going to tell me, and it’s the same thing you hear every time you attend an MLM seminar.  Evening rush hour is for chumps.  But I can explain.  You know me well enough to know that, when I got stuck in an evening rush hour surprise snowfall, I wasn’t commuting home from work.  I can also assure you that I, as a Midwesterner, know how to prepare for snowstorms.  When I got into my car, the weather forecast was forecasting clear skies.  There were a few flurries, but everyone assumed they were no big deal, since they weren’t in the weather forecast.  But everyone was wrong.

I was on the way home from the other Brad’s house.  You remember the other Brad, the one who hasn’t eaten a carb since 1998, my partner in writing this blog.  I had been running on the other Brad’s treadmill, not because I am too much of a cheapskate to join a gym (although being frugal enough to run on a friend’s treadmill instead of paying a gym membership does have its place in the road to financial freedom scene) but because one of the conditions of the bet that the other Brad and I have going is that I have to run on his treadmill.  Like any sensible Midwesterner, I like to spend the winter sitting on my keister in my basement, but somehow this winter, the other Brad and I ended up making a bet that I will run a certain number of miles on his treadmill by spring, and if I succeed, he will buy me dinner, including unlimited garlic knots, at Oley’s Pizza in Fort Wayne.  To make a long story short, I was driving home from the other Brad’s house after working out on his treadmill.  I was planning to pick up some food on the way home, maybe a pizza or a burrito, and then go sit on my keister in my basement and send some emails to follow up with my downline in the few MLM companies I still deal with, but then the snow got out of control.  By the time I was halfway home, the main roads were impassable, the detours were impassable, and the snow plows and salt trucks were nowhere to be found.  I am pretty good at driving in the snow, but there were just too many cars stalled on the road that I decided to find a place to park my car and walk the rest of the way home.

As I walked home, I was acutely aware of the extent to which man has not yet conquered nature.  I have lived in the Midwest to own a few pairs of waterproof boots with plenty of traction, but I was wearing my sneakers, since I had only planned to run on the other Brad’s treadmill, not to walk through snow.  I had to think about where I was stepping, to think about the angle of the ground, to distinguish between fluffy snow and slippery ice.  When I was a kid, I used to jump at every opportunity to walk and run outside in the snow, but now that I was older, I just wanted to get home.  What if I slipped on the ice, broke my leg, and had to learn to walk all over again? Then I would definitely lose my bet with the other Brad, and, as per the terms of our agreement, I would have to buy him diet Vernors all spring.  I had to rely on my balance and concentration.  What if all those nutraceuticals sold by countless MLM companies and now piled up in my basement could really give me those things?

See, I have heard more MLM companies than I can count pitching pills and drinks that will allegedly give you good balance, mental focus, youth, and the body of an Adonis.  There isn’t much that can surprise me anymore, but every now and then something does.  All the hyperbole in the MLM industry put together could not have prepared me for the AmegaAM Wand.

The Amega AM Wand


Amega Global is an MLM company, and its flagship product is the Amega AM Wand, a device that looks like a high-end ballpoint pen and allegedly has the same effect on cells that the Pied Piper of Hamlin had on rats.Amega Global and its sales associates through the MLM claim that the Amega AM Wand uses something called “zero-point energy” to restore balance in the cells.  By doing this, it can supposedly get rid of back pain, knee pain, and arthritis.  You simply apply the wand to the skin and move it in clockwise circles for 5 to 10 minutes or however long it takes to activate your cells’ “cellular memory” and they go back to behaving like they are supposed to instead of causing pain.  You can even use the Amega AM Wand on food and drink before you ingest it.  Supposedly, when you do this, it increases the “actual frequency” of the edibles, whatever that means.  An explanation that would fit the theme better would be that it activates the cellular memory of the lettuce cells in your salad, the orange cells in your orange juice, and the bovine cells in your burger.  At least that would be more consistent with the theme that the Amega AM Wand does to cytoplasm what a snake charmer does to snakes.

Have you ever wondered what snake charmers actually do to snakes?  They make them want to attack.  The snake follows the movement of the snake charmer’s flute the way it would follow the movement of a tasty mouse that was running back and forth in a tasty panic.  Snakes can’t hear the music at all.  They have no sense of hearing.  They don’t even have ears.  That, incidentally, is the difference between a snake and a skink.  They look virtually identical, but a skink is actually a legless lizard.  Skinks have a sense of hearing.  If you ever wonder whether the legless reptile slithering up your driveway is a snake or a skink, pull up a music app on your phone, put your phone back in your pocket, stand still, and see whether the scaly creature on your driveway dances in response to the opening riff of “Boris the Spider.”

The music isn’t for the snake.  It’s for deep-pocketed suckers like you.  Likewise, the Amega AM Wand isn’t for your confused cells or your lazy lasagna.  It’s for deep-pocketed suckers like you.  Skeptics who have fun debunking the bogus claims made by nutraceutical MLM companies (ASEA and Brain Abundance are some standouts among the MLM companies I have reviewed here on Notebook Crazy) had a field day with the Amega AM Wand.  They called it a “magic wand”.  They dissected it on YouTube.

The Amega Global Compensation Plan

I had hoped that the AmegaGlobal compensation plan would be as outrageous as its flagship product, but I was sorely disappointed.  Not sore enough to massage myself with an inkless ballpoint pen, but you get the picture.  The Amega Global Compensation Plan was actually pretty boring, not too different from any other MLM compensation plan.  You accumulate business volume (BV) points based on selling cytoplasm-charming wands and recruiting other people to sell them.  Amega Global also had the dreaded binary structure, in which you have to have at least two “legs” of downline distributors to be eligible for any promotions.  That is two more legs than the average skink.  If you slithered through the hoops just right, you could be promoted to the following ranks:

  • Diamond – Your downline must consist of at least ten wand-mongers, at least two of whom you personally recruited. For example, Adam is eligible to be a Diamond cytoplasm charmer if he recruits Bogdan and Clay, and then Bogdan recruits Drew, Emmett, Francisco, Gary, and Harvey, and Clay recruits Isabel and Julia.
  • Blue Diamond- Your downline must include four people you personally recruited, at least one of whom must be a Diamond quickener of guacamole. Your downline must include a total of at least three Diamond Golgi apparatus whisperers, and these must be on at least two different legs.  To advance to Blue Diamond, Adam must also go out and recruit Klaus and Lydia.  Meanwhile, Bogdan, Drew, and Isabel (for example) must achieve Diamond status.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be them.  It could be Drew, Emmett, and Lydia, or Isabel, Gary, and Klaus.  There are a number of possibilities.
  • Black Diamond -Your downline must include at least 6 cell membrane massage artists you personally sponsored, as well as three Blue Diamond cellular penmanship experts on two different legs of your downline.
  • Diamond Director – You must have personally sponsored at least 8 endoplasmic reticulum wizards, and your downline must include at least three Black Diamond members on two different legs.
  • Diamond Ambassador – You must have personally sponsored at least 10 motivators of mitochondria, and your downline must include at least three Diamond Directors on two different legs.
  • Associate Director – You must have personally sponsored at least 12 ambassadors to cells, and at least three people in your downline must have achieved Diamond Ambassador rank.

I am willing to suspend my disbelief quite a bit.  You have to in the MLM world, but this is where I draw the line.  Why does Associate Director rank above Diamond Ambassador?  You can be the Associate Director of the homeschool PTA.  Only in the fantasy world of MLM do you ever get to have a job title like Diamond Ambassador.  Not only that, but these marketing ranks have truly generic names.  There is nothing about them that indicates that you achieved this rank by lulling cells back into painless homeostasis through clockwise motions.  They are the same titles you get selling meal replacement shakes or boring old vitamin B12.  Why not Ribosome, Nucleus, Nucleolus, Muggle, Diamond Muggle, Blue Diamond Muggle, Black Diamond Muggle, and Severus Snape?

Not only that, but your profit on retail sales is only 10%.  Some MLM companies let you make as much as a 50% commission on the products you sell, but then, most of those products are just plain old multivitamins or glorified Slim Fast.  That must have been what compelled those pseudoscience debunkers to want to cut open an Amega AM Wand on YouTube and see what was inside.


You might be wondering why I keep using the past tense when referring to Amega Global and its MLM opportunities, so now I will tell you. Ding dong, the wizard is dead.  Amega Global stopped operating in the United States in 2013.  Much like the movie version of Little Shop of Horrors from the 80s ends with a close-up of a mini Audrey III growing in Seymour and Audrey’s front yard in the suburbs, there are other cytoplasm charmer wands still floating around out there, but as far as I know, none of them are sold through multi-level marketing.


I don’t have a magic wand, but I do know a thing or two about how to achieve financial freedom with the right MLM companies and how to avoid the true stinkers.  Give me a call today to find out more.



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